Writing

I'm going to keep this one short and sweet. 

This is a creative outlet for me. I wish I was better at this, I really do. I wish I had that magical way with words that sweeps people off their feet. I wish I was talented (at well basically anything will do right now).

I feel pretty ordinary. I know that it's hard to ever be the 'best' at something, but it's just one of those days where I question, "Why can't I be the best at something for once? Why does there always have to be someone better?"

I should probably mention that these thoughts are mostly just coming from the fact that I am 300 words away from completing my 2000 word essay due this Thursday afternoon (it's Monday) but I have also deleted and started over several times because reading over my work I realised it's just not good enough. It's bumming me out that I can never be the best. No matter how hard I try, there is always going to be someone who will get a better mark, be more creative and write a better essay. I also know that someone has to be #1, but I would really like to know what that feels like someday...

Study harder they say, well I'm here as living proof it literally isn't that easy. You either have it or you don't. And sadly most of the time, hard work and dedication can not beat hard work, dedication and natural talent. 

Coming from my computer desk at 11:50pm struggling to keep my eyes open but knowing I am probably going to die if I don't get my 'shit together' (so to speak) and finish this essay without deleting and re-writing whole chunks of it again. 

Thanks for reading this (kind of pointless) mini rant (if that's what we are going to call it).

Kristelle

Instagram: @krristelley

p.s. still sitting here wondering why I can't have some natural talent when it comes to putting words to paper (or more appropriate, words to keyboard)

What if...

So today for some reason I am just feeling down. I have so much motivation in my mind to do everything I need to do- workout, cook meals, study & do my uni work and go to work, but there's just a dark grey cloud hanging over my head questioning everything today.

I know I need to do all of these things, plus more (aka clean my room lol) but today is just one of those days where I question everything.

Why should I workout? Because I want to be fit, healthy and have an amazing body.

Why should I cook meals? Well I need to eat.

Why should I do my uni work and study? Because I want to get good marks, so I can finish my degree, graduate and get a good job.

Why should I go to work? To earn money to save for the future and so I can have the things I want now and live my life the way I want to without having to depend on anyone for anything I need or want. 

It all seems to be very straightforward and obvious. There is a clear answer as to why I need to do all of these things. It just isn't an option (for me) to stay in bed all day and not do my uni work or not have a job. Some people may be content with that (lol) but not me. 

I just don't know what goes through my head sometimes. I want to do everything. I want to concur the world. 

I just have something in my mind that stops me and says what's the point? 

What if you're not good enough?

What if you're wrong with what you think life will be?

What if you ruin your chance to get something you want because you lacked initiative?

What if you can't achieve what you want in life? 

What if all the goals you have set for yourself just fall apart and you never reach them? 

What happens if you can't do anything?

What happens if you try so hard for something and you still fail?

...

what if...? 

Life is full of what's if's, but I know I need to focus on the bigger picture. Even if I am stressed out, tired and don't really know how to make sense of what is going on in my mind right now, I know things are going to be okay. I believe everything happens for a reason, so I am going to focus on that to get me through each day.