Sad

I don't really write much anymore. I don't write about things that are meaningful or all the fun adventures that I have with my beautiful boyfriend. In fact I don't really do much anymore. 

Some days I can't get out of bed. It's not that I don't want to (believe me I want to get out of bed, make a healthy meal and get outside in the sunshine and workout- or just do something), but I can't. I physically can not bring myself to wake up some mornings and get out of bed. I'll make myself think I'm not even hungry so it doesn't matter if I stay in bed until my mum or sister gets home that night. And it's not even that I'm asleep (I do sleep way too much though). Some days I can lay there for over an hour and just stare at the roof or the wall fighting with myself that I need to get up. 

For a change though I go to work. That's my life lately. Working and then staying in bed almost every moment I'm not at work. 

I've lost the ability to find happiness in those small things I wrote about a couple of months ago. I don't write meaningful things, I don't go on fun adventures with my love. I don't really do anything and that makes me really really sad. 

I know things will change and turn around eventually, so it will be okay. 

I'll get to be my happy adventurous self with my partner in crime. Visiting places, eating great foods and taking lots of pictures. But until then I just need to sleep it off. Get this bad place out of my head and shitty moods out of my system. I just need to feel alive again. 

7 days in 15 minutes

Hey everyone! The last week of my life hasn't been overly exciting but I have done a bit and I thought I would share, along with some thoughts I have (it's 12:15am as I start to write this and I should probably sleep as it is Monday aka uni day, but oh well).

The week started dull, Monday (because I don't even remember the last weekend right now). Monday = uni day. This particular Monday was test day in my IT class and group debate day in Human Resources. Worst 5 minutes of the day was when I did my speech in the debate. Yeah, public speaking ain't my thing. Anxiety levels were truly peaking today, all over a little speech, it left me feeling awful all day leading up to and after it was over. Worked out with my mum and it made me feel a little calmer. I also had to work. Bummer

Tuesday, no better. Grocery shopping, cooking and then work. Got to see my boyfriend for half an hour after work. Complete highlight of the day.

Wednesday. Ah the first day of death. Woke up with the worst cold/flu/sore throat thing in a long time. Did assignments and watched Pretty Little Liars. *side note: just tell me why 'A' is 'A'. I don't get it. I've spent so much time reading up on theories in the past years. I got the reveal and the major clue, but I still don't get it.* Oh and I also worked.

Thursday, another uni day. Long day, made worse by feeling crappy with the sickness. Home time was good, spending time with Kieran was even better. We had dinner and he slept over. Falling asleep in his arms was the best part of my week. Note- I was extra happy today because I didn't have to work! I also made jelly shots for Saturday. I regretted not making alcohol free because soon enough I craved jelly. 

Friday, TGIF am I right? Wrong. No one cares it's Friday if they know they have to work on the weekend. Spent the day again doing homework, worked out, watched Greys Anatomy. I used to be so in love with Derek and Meredith and their happiness but I just don't know anymore. She's so independent and he doesn't fit. But their characters showed me what love could do and I will ship them forever. I worked tonight again as well. 

Saturday. The absolute longest day of my week. I had to wake up early to vote (sigh, people shoving their beliefs in my face and 'encouraging' me to follow along and vote for them is not my thing either). Photoshoot was next (I will post about this probably in the next week or so). It was for uni and it was so much fun. I was basically just the boss. Not the model, not the photographer, just the boss. I am good at being the boss. Work was next (again, yes 5th time this week trust me I know). Then clubbing adventures with Kieran after work! This was a messed up night and I was sick, tired and verbally (almost physically) abused by a bunch of guys. Not fun. I left early with Kieran and cried half the way home on the train (about 30 minutes). Kieran then fell asleep on my shoulder and my little sister picked us up from the station. I fell asleep as little spoon with him so it made my night a bit better. 

The week definitely ended better than it started. Sunday. My favourite day. Not sure why, because I don't always get to be lazy. Today though, I slept in and then made myself, Kieran, my sister and her friend a big breakfast. I worked AGAIN (6 out of 7 days, solid). Went out to dinner with Kieran again and ended up laying in bed perfecting assignments and writing this post. 

Saturday night shenanigans. I think we can all appreciate just how much we clearly love each other ;)

Kieran and I spent the weekend pretending we are married (I'm not sure why, it's just funny) and I have extreme baby fever tonight (thought I would share as I'm feeling honest and now sort of tired).

I don't know if anyone cared and I'm sorry for the lame post, but thanks for reading! Also everyone keep your fingers crossed (or whatever it is that you do in this sort of situation) and hope that Kieran gets better and no more bad news. I may have to wrap this boy in bubble wrap to protect him.

Stelle xx

Late Night Musings

This post only needs to be short and sweet. It's just after 12:30am, I'm getting up in about 7 hours to start my day and I need to share what's going on in my brain before I can sleep. 

1. It's been a year. It was hell but I've done it. I'm here, I survived through it all. I think I'm even happy now? The world didn't end. The sun still rises and sets. All is okay. And I am thankful to the only person I can ever rely on. You know who you are. 

2. Tomorrow is a new day. Workout, make my lunch, keep eating right and head to uni. Study, learn, make friends and succeed. That's what it's all about. 

3. There are places I haven't seen and new opportunities everyday and I need to remember to make the most of it. 

4. Remember I don't have to do my make up for uni and gym clothes are acceptable. Be comfy in the 35 degree Autumn (yeah right it's Autumn- kidding its Sydney, it's crazy all the time) weather and take my laptop charger (I will need it despite me saying I'll just turn my brightness down).

5. Not every friend is worth my time and effort and it's okay to let go and not talk to them anymore. There will be other people who are worth the effort I come accross in life. Stick to putting in the effort with those who already matter. 

6. Nothing good comes out of holding on to anger. A grudge against someone isn't worth the energy. Move on, not necessarily forgive or forget- but just let it go and move on. It's really not worth it (I'm the bigger person for it anyway). 

7. Some people are just stupid. Accept it and be smarter. 

Thanks for reading direct from my jumbled, slightly (okay maybe more than slightly) crazy brain. 

Stelle xx

50 Shades of Grey

Starting off I would like to say, yes I "read" the book. More specifically I read about 3/4 of the first book because I could not bare to finish reading it. I didn't have high hopes for the movie. I just wanted to see it pretty much so I could say that I saw it and see what all the hype was surrounding it the '50 Shades of Grey' fandom.

My reactions during this movie ranged from:

I'm hungry

LOL

For some reason this reminds me of Twilight

I don't get it

Why did she keep going back to him

She never actually signed that contract

Why did they even keep bringing the contract up if she wasn't signing it??

Is that abuse?

Yes I think so

How did this turn people on

Bad acting

What is sexy about someone basically abusing you

Why did all the characters except for Anna and Christian disappear halfway through the movie?

Why 

If I saw a 'Red Room of Pain' I would run

Run for the hills

Nothing sexy about that

Bad choice of words

Could've phrased that better to actually sound sexy

I know why I keep thinking of Twilight

Male character who wants dominance over smaller, weaker female character

Female character thinks being controlled is sexy

Feminists all over will be going crazy over this

This is weird

Why are these people in my cinema screaming about how sexy this is

I'd like a new car

Okay the tie thing is the only normal thing so far

Where is her independence

Why does she like this!!!!

Where did his tragic backstory go?

He just seems creepy

This is all very contradictory

If he has 'singular' tastes then why does he keep doing things not in his 'tastes'

This movie doesn't make sense

Okay it's ending

Wow, okay I know there's more books but bad ending

That movie went for a reaaaaaally long time

I still don't get why it's sexy

Aaaaand that's pretty much what I thought. Mainly I am gathering that I just don't think it's as sexy as it's meant to be. A lot of people I know really enjoyed the movie and book. Personally I 1. can't enjoy the book on the simple fact that it is written horribly and I have read so many amazing books it just doesn't compete. 2. The badly written book translates straight through to the big screen and I just don't think bad books will ever make good movies. Maybe I am too critical. I would love to hear what anyone else who saw the movie/read the book thinks.

Thanks for reading,

Stelle xxx

Late Night Thoughts

Happiness is the easy emotion. It's simple. No one questions why you're happy. You're happy? That's fantastic! I love seeing you smile. Happiness looks good on you. I'm happy you're happy. 

Questions start when you're not happy. What's wrong? Are you sad? Are you angry? Why aren't you happy? What's wrong with your life? You have this... you have that... why aren't you greatful... there's no reason to be sad... People out there have it so much worse than you... You're not allowed to be sad... People out there are dying and you're crying for no reason... Stop being selfish... You're fine...

People are allowed to be sad. Comparing someone's pain to others pain, in no way lessons said persons pain. Oh you broke your arm? Well it doesn't hurt that bad because that person over there broke BOTH arms. Life and physical pain doesn't work like that, so why should emotional pain? Better yet, emotional and physical pain can not be compared on the same scale of "which is worse".

You want to be sad? Go for it. Be sad. Sadness is a complicated emotion that people always seem to have to answer to. Next time you're sad and don't want to tell anyone why (whether it be because you don't exactly know why or you just don't feel like sharing) then be sad and let your emotions out. It's okay and unless you want it to be people's business, it isn't. 

I'm sad right now and as much as it hurts and sucks, it's okay to feel things. We're human. We have bad days and good days and get sad over small things and and over big things. 

You know why? Because that's life.